Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Teh Crane Files
Pilot Episode
Tonight's Episode: "Teh Wacky Wench"
(Voice-Over)
My name's Hoop. I'm a lawyer.
Just so there's no misunderstanding, I should confess
right now: I never went to law school like my bro',
Denny!. But I've watched every episode of "Law &
Order," and I've seen "Teh Paper Chase" forty-two
times. So you can call me what it sez on my card:
HOOP N. CRANE
(TV) Attorney-at-Law
...No case too dumb.
I sometimes regret that my card has that third line.
'Coz even if there ain't any dumb cases (not at 25
Franklins an hour, there ain't!), there sure as hell's
a horde of dumb people out there.
Take the ditz who shambled into my office this ay-em...
(Fade To--)
Hoop N. Crane, sitting at his battered oak desk.
He's handsome--though not as dashing as DFC!.
He's gobbling a cup of ramyon noodles--bidness
hasn't been so hot. (Close-up) of doorknob
turning, and a Mysterious Figure entering teh
office.
Hoop looks up, smiles reflexively. Then, once
he surveys the specimen who's entered his
office, the smile drops quickly.
(Hoop Voice-Over)
She was blonde and shapely--if grey is a shade of blonde,
and flat counts as a shape. Her perfume was intoxicating
...literally.
Mysterious Figure hiccups, ambles to a chair, and
flops.
Mysterious Figure: I need a lawbaw, stat! Hahahahaha!
Ain't that a riot?! Lawbaw? Stat? Mixin' up the legal and
medical metaphors. Har-har....
Hoop (voice-over): I let my prospective client cackle. Hey,
at twenty-five Franklins an hour, her leaden joke had just
cost her a C-note...
Hoop (to MF): Ma'am, do you have a legal matter to discuss?
Because comic-law isn't exactly one of my specialties.
MF: Well, yes. My name's Biddy Fresh, but you can call me
'Doctor.'
Hoop: As you wish...Doctor.
BF: Now...I wanna sue someone for defamating me!
Hoop (shakes head): I take it that your doctorate isn't in
law.
BF: No...why?
Hoop: Because, Miss Fresh, 'defamating' isn't even a word.
BF: Oh....Well...I meant that someone blogged something
that defamed me. That's actionable! And now I want action!
Hoop (voice-over): I thought that if this missie had gotten a
little more 'action' in life, maybe she wouldn't stink like a still.
It would have helped matters--I was finding it difficult to
stay unbuzzed from her hundred-fiddy-proof aura...
Hoop (to BF): Well, first things first: There's an old saying
among us 'lawbaws.'
DF: Yeah?
Hoop: 'Don't parrot legal terms, unless you know the law
better than a parrot.' The reason we're here, Miss Fresh,
is for you to tell me the facts. Then I'll tell you whether
the facts warrant legal action. Capice?
DF (looking wounded): Capice.
(Close-up): Hoop surreptitiously slips open his desk, slides
out a well-worn copy of TORT LAW FOR DUMMIES! and
rests it in his lap. He flips open the book to a checklist:
Question One: Is the client dead? Defamation of a
deceased person is NOT actionable __Yes __No
Hoop (voice-over): I studied Miss Fresh. It was hard to
tell. She was dead above the neck--that was for sure.
And below the waist? Ditto. But her gums were flapping,
so I checked 'No.'
Question Two: Was something published about the
client which harmed their reputation? __ Yes __No
Hoop (to BF): Did someone write something bad about you?
BF: Oh, yes!! They said I threatened a toddler! They said I
harassed--
(Close-up) Hoop clicks a button under his desk marked,
"STFU!" Biddy's voice cuts off.
Hoop (voice-over): One of the perks of being a TV-lawbaw
is that you get dibs on the sooper-kewl props from defunct TV
shows. For forty measly bucks, I scored an Invisible Cone of
Silence from teh "Get Smart" set...
(Close-up) Biddy histrionically yammering, arms flailing.
Hoop (voice-over):...best forty bucks I ever spent.
Hoop (to BF): Okay...let's proceed to the next question.
Question Three: Is the client a public figure?
__Yes __No
Hoop (to BF): Have you had a central role in some public
controversy?
BF: No, I haven't. I'm just a private citizen minding her
own--
Office is filled with enormous BUZZ!! Biddy yelps in
pain.
BF: What the phu*ue is that?!
Hoop: Oh....that. I should have told you before. My
TV-pal, F. Lee Bailout, equipped that chair with a Lie
Detector. You lie, your ass gets zapped. Capice?
BF: But I wasn't--
Hoop (wagging a finger at BF): Tut-tut, Miss
Fresh. If you say you weren't lying when you did
lie, then that, too, is a lie. Don't tempt that chair!
BF (chastened): Okay, fine. I was involved in a
blog brawl.
Hoop: Has it received any media attention?
BF: Not really.
Chair: BZZZZT!
Hoop (voice-over): I hoped that this overgrown
lab-rat would get the point already: lie equals zap
...lie equals zap. Because Biddy's flesh was starting
to cook...and the scent of roast Fresh-loins was...how
shall we say?...not-so-fresh.
BF (rubbing pained posterior): Okay, OKAY!
But it was just a few newspapers and Faux News.
(defiantly) That can't count for much.
Hoop (voice-over): Charles Darwin famously
claimed that we evolved over our bretheren in
the primate-cages...
(Close-up): Biddy looking indignant, certain of
her position.
Hoop (voice-over): ...Clients like this made me
question Darwin.
Hoop (to BF): I take it a few hundred blogs might
have also got in on the action, right?
BF (eyeing chair warily): Y-yes.
Hoop: Okay...so you had a central role in a public
controversy. Did you assume this role voluntarily?
(Beat. Two beats. Close-up on BF. She wants
to lie. She doesn't want to get zapped. Like
Buridan's famous ass, Biddy is paralyzed for a
pregnant moment.)
BF: "I-I might have said I wanted to be a left-wing
Ann Coulter...and that I wanted to be on Stephen
Colbert's show."
Hoop: I see.
(Hoop glances down at his 'Cheat Sheet':
Question 4:
Did s/he a) voluntarity _X_Yes __No
b) assume a role _X_Yes __No
c) in a public issue _X_ Yes __No
If all 3 are 'yes,' see "What to Do When Your
Client is Dead Meat.")
Hoop: Well, Miss Fresh, this complicates matters. In
simple English, the cases of Sullivan-en-why-tee '64
and Gertz vee Welch '74 mean that you'd have to show
malice, on your critics' part.
BF (jumping up): But they were malicious!! Look,
look!
Biddy strips off her fanny-pack, opens it, and
dumps its contents on Hoop's desktop. Hoop's
hands rummage through the flotsam of empty
WTF™ nip-bottles, and jetsam of 'Bush is a
Taywrist!!' buttons, to draw out some tatttered
printouts of screen-caps.
Hoop: First of all, Biddy, what did I tell you about birdbrains
parroting legal terms? The law isn't one of your
postmodernist conferences--we don't fling words because
they feel good; we employ words because they mean
something. Capice? And in this case, 'malice' is a word
with a special legal meaning.
(Two beats)
Hoop (paging through the screen-caps): Now, these
websites are making some specific allegations: That you
harassed certain fire department members, that you
libelled your adversaries as 'child molesters', that you
used a racial epithet to describe our Secretary of State.
Are you saying, Miss Fresh, that these allegations are
false?
(Biddy wilts. The Chair, she knows, will not let
her lie.)
Hoop: So they're true. In that case, you have no case.
(Biddy leaps up)
BF: Shyster! Ima gonna find another lawbaw, and sue
you!! I shoulda known you were in on the conspiracy!
(Biddy stumbles from the room, slamming the
door on her way out.)
Hoop (voice-over): As Miss Fresh and her stale hun-
fiddy-proof cloud left my office, I tried to inventory
the meeting:
"Get Smart" Cone of Silence...$39.99
F. Lee Bailout Lie Detecting Chair...$89.99
Giving the Chair a Test-Drive on a Pathological
Liar....PRICELESS
Gawd....I love being a tee-vee law-baw!
(Closing Credits)
TEH-TV ® 2007
Tonight's Episode: "Teh Wacky Wench"
(Voice-Over)
My name's Hoop. I'm a lawyer.
Just so there's no misunderstanding, I should confess
right now: I never went to law school like my bro',
Denny!. But I've watched every episode of "Law &
Order," and I've seen "Teh Paper Chase" forty-two
times. So you can call me what it sez on my card:
HOOP N. CRANE
(TV) Attorney-at-Law
...No case too dumb.
I sometimes regret that my card has that third line.
'Coz even if there ain't any dumb cases (not at 25
Franklins an hour, there ain't!), there sure as hell's
a horde of dumb people out there.
Take the ditz who shambled into my office this ay-em...
(Fade To--)
Hoop N. Crane, sitting at his battered oak desk.
He's handsome--though not as dashing as DFC!.
He's gobbling a cup of ramyon noodles--bidness
hasn't been so hot. (Close-up) of doorknob
turning, and a Mysterious Figure entering teh
office.
Hoop looks up, smiles reflexively. Then, once
he surveys the specimen who's entered his
office, the smile drops quickly.
(Hoop Voice-Over)
She was blonde and shapely--if grey is a shade of blonde,
and flat counts as a shape. Her perfume was intoxicating
...literally.
Mysterious Figure hiccups, ambles to a chair, and
flops.
Mysterious Figure: I need a lawbaw, stat! Hahahahaha!
Ain't that a riot?! Lawbaw? Stat? Mixin' up the legal and
medical metaphors. Har-har....
Hoop (voice-over): I let my prospective client cackle. Hey,
at twenty-five Franklins an hour, her leaden joke had just
cost her a C-note...
Hoop (to MF): Ma'am, do you have a legal matter to discuss?
Because comic-law isn't exactly one of my specialties.
MF: Well, yes. My name's Biddy Fresh, but you can call me
'Doctor.'
Hoop: As you wish...Doctor.
BF: Now...I wanna sue someone for defamating me!
Hoop (shakes head): I take it that your doctorate isn't in
law.
BF: No...why?
Hoop: Because, Miss Fresh, 'defamating' isn't even a word.
BF: Oh....Well...I meant that someone blogged something
that defamed me. That's actionable! And now I want action!
Hoop (voice-over): I thought that if this missie had gotten a
little more 'action' in life, maybe she wouldn't stink like a still.
It would have helped matters--I was finding it difficult to
stay unbuzzed from her hundred-fiddy-proof aura...
Hoop (to BF): Well, first things first: There's an old saying
among us 'lawbaws.'
DF: Yeah?
Hoop: 'Don't parrot legal terms, unless you know the law
better than a parrot.' The reason we're here, Miss Fresh,
is for you to tell me the facts. Then I'll tell you whether
the facts warrant legal action. Capice?
DF (looking wounded): Capice.
(Close-up): Hoop surreptitiously slips open his desk, slides
out a well-worn copy of TORT LAW FOR DUMMIES! and
rests it in his lap. He flips open the book to a checklist:
Question One: Is the client dead? Defamation of a
deceased person is NOT actionable __Yes __No
Hoop (voice-over): I studied Miss Fresh. It was hard to
tell. She was dead above the neck--that was for sure.
And below the waist? Ditto. But her gums were flapping,
so I checked 'No.'
Question Two: Was something published about the
client which harmed their reputation? __ Yes __No
Hoop (to BF): Did someone write something bad about you?
BF: Oh, yes!! They said I threatened a toddler! They said I
harassed--
(Close-up) Hoop clicks a button under his desk marked,
"STFU!" Biddy's voice cuts off.
Hoop (voice-over): One of the perks of being a TV-lawbaw
is that you get dibs on the sooper-kewl props from defunct TV
shows. For forty measly bucks, I scored an Invisible Cone of
Silence from teh "Get Smart" set...
(Close-up) Biddy histrionically yammering, arms flailing.
Hoop (voice-over):...best forty bucks I ever spent.
Hoop (to BF): Okay...let's proceed to the next question.
Question Three: Is the client a public figure?
__Yes __No
Hoop (to BF): Have you had a central role in some public
controversy?
BF: No, I haven't. I'm just a private citizen minding her
own--
Office is filled with enormous BUZZ!! Biddy yelps in
pain.
BF: What the phu*ue is that?!
Hoop: Oh....that. I should have told you before. My
TV-pal, F. Lee Bailout, equipped that chair with a Lie
Detector. You lie, your ass gets zapped. Capice?
BF: But I wasn't--
Hoop (wagging a finger at BF): Tut-tut, Miss
Fresh. If you say you weren't lying when you did
lie, then that, too, is a lie. Don't tempt that chair!
BF (chastened): Okay, fine. I was involved in a
blog brawl.
Hoop: Has it received any media attention?
BF: Not really.
Chair: BZZZZT!
Hoop (voice-over): I hoped that this overgrown
lab-rat would get the point already: lie equals zap
...lie equals zap. Because Biddy's flesh was starting
to cook...and the scent of roast Fresh-loins was...how
shall we say?...not-so-fresh.
BF (rubbing pained posterior): Okay, OKAY!
But it was just a few newspapers and Faux News.
(defiantly) That can't count for much.
Hoop (voice-over): Charles Darwin famously
claimed that we evolved over our bretheren in
the primate-cages...
(Close-up): Biddy looking indignant, certain of
her position.
Hoop (voice-over): ...Clients like this made me
question Darwin.
Hoop (to BF): I take it a few hundred blogs might
have also got in on the action, right?
BF (eyeing chair warily): Y-yes.
Hoop: Okay...so you had a central role in a public
controversy. Did you assume this role voluntarily?
(Beat. Two beats. Close-up on BF. She wants
to lie. She doesn't want to get zapped. Like
Buridan's famous ass, Biddy is paralyzed for a
pregnant moment.)
BF: "I-I might have said I wanted to be a left-wing
Ann Coulter...and that I wanted to be on Stephen
Colbert's show."
Hoop: I see.
(Hoop glances down at his 'Cheat Sheet':
Question 4:
Did s/he a) voluntarity _X_Yes __No
b) assume a role _X_Yes __No
c) in a public issue _X_ Yes __No
If all 3 are 'yes,' see "What to Do When Your
Client is Dead Meat.")
Hoop: Well, Miss Fresh, this complicates matters. In
simple English, the cases of Sullivan-en-why-tee '64
and Gertz vee Welch '74 mean that you'd have to show
malice, on your critics' part.
BF (jumping up): But they were malicious!! Look,
look!
Biddy strips off her fanny-pack, opens it, and
dumps its contents on Hoop's desktop. Hoop's
hands rummage through the flotsam of empty
WTF™ nip-bottles, and jetsam of 'Bush is a
Taywrist!!' buttons, to draw out some tatttered
printouts of screen-caps.
Hoop: First of all, Biddy, what did I tell you about birdbrains
parroting legal terms? The law isn't one of your
postmodernist conferences--we don't fling words because
they feel good; we employ words because they mean
something. Capice? And in this case, 'malice' is a word
with a special legal meaning.
(Two beats)
Hoop (paging through the screen-caps): Now, these
websites are making some specific allegations: That you
harassed certain fire department members, that you
libelled your adversaries as 'child molesters', that you
used a racial epithet to describe our Secretary of State.
Are you saying, Miss Fresh, that these allegations are
false?
(Biddy wilts. The Chair, she knows, will not let
her lie.)
Hoop: So they're true. In that case, you have no case.
(Biddy leaps up)
BF: Shyster! Ima gonna find another lawbaw, and sue
you!! I shoulda known you were in on the conspiracy!
(Biddy stumbles from the room, slamming the
door on her way out.)
Hoop (voice-over): As Miss Fresh and her stale hun-
fiddy-proof cloud left my office, I tried to inventory
the meeting:
"Get Smart" Cone of Silence...$39.99
F. Lee Bailout Lie Detecting Chair...$89.99
Giving the Chair a Test-Drive on a Pathological
Liar....PRICELESS
Gawd....I love being a tee-vee law-baw!
(Closing Credits)
TEH-TV ® 2007
# posted by minteh @ 9:09 AM 
